


In This Life Can I...

by CrownedExcalibur



Category: Heaven's Official Blessing, tian guan ci fu
Genre: Angst, Fluff, I'm feeding myself, M/M, Modern AU, Quanyin if you squint, Reincarnation AU, Roomates, Slow Burn, Spoilers, uni - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25169692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrownedExcalibur/pseuds/CrownedExcalibur
Summary: Shi Qingxuan suffers nightmares of a mysterious black water, but other times can dream of a sky filled with palaces. He never pays it much attention until he leaves the nest for university. He meets He Xuan, a quiet and unsociable guy whom he feels a connection to, but it's double edged sword.Meanwhile, He Xuan has lived counting on, counting down centuries. When he heard Shi Qingxuan was reincarnated he made his mind up to be part of his life again. In what way, he doesn't know but he knows he wants to be close to the one he hurt so much last time.Or in which Shi Wudu swears he will protect his younger brother this time and He Xuan swears it too. Yin Yu and Quan Yizhen are their roommates.
Relationships: He Xuan/Shi Qingxuan, beefleaf - Relationship
Comments: 10
Kudos: 89





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Major spoilers up until chapter 124!

The water is so calm on the surface you could see the ripples of a single drop. The story below the water was different, pulling Shi Qingxuan down below the black depths. And tonight again, he struggles against it. He grabs and kicks anything to rise above this ocean but he keeps sinking. He almost thinks that if he were dead then he would float. 

“THAT’S PRECISELY WHY HE’S SO CONTEMPTIBLE! WHY IS HE ALLOWED TO KNOW NOTHING?!”

The water stirs a bit before another line echoes in his mind. This line, it makes him feel worthless.

“And what good is your apology?” 

He stopped struggling. He didn’t know why but everytime he heard those words he felt like he had done something deserving of death. Maybe worse. He kept sinking, like letting the water consume him would repay someone, _something_ , even if it was just a little bit. Though it was never enough. 

A gasp, and a sweaty forehead. So today he dreamt of that moment again. It couldn’t be fragments of a terrace, a sky filled with palaces and pavilions or a huffing but compliant god who loved to eat. Tonight it had to be something connected to that black water. A shaky exhale escaped him before he turned and looked at the clock. It was 6.55am. 

The curly haired youth didn’t want this nightmare to set the mood for the day. So, he smiled. Following the smile he hyped himself up and jumped out of bed. Hoping that he could stuff the nightmare down, it was just a nightmare anyway! It wasn’t real! 

_Then why does it feel so re-_

He didn’t let himself finish the thought. Deep breath.

“Ge! GE! Wake up wake up it’s today!” A very bouncy youth almost sang as he knocked on the door to his brother's room. Without waiting for a reply he opened the door and stepped in. “It’s the last time you’ll get to experience my cooking for a while! Tell me what you want and I’ll whip it up.” He patted Shi Wudu’s head multiple times, afraid of directly tugging the blanket from under him. 

A sigh escaped the blankets “I’m already awake.” his voice was clear and to the point. He definitely wasn’t lying. Shi Qingxuan continued to smile at him. A brief moment passes and it looks like Shi Wudu gives into something. “Well if you’re making something make me congee.”

“Eh? I’m leaving and you want me to make something as simple as congee?” He questions. 

“Then get to it if it’s so simple!” The lying body snapped. Shi Qingxuan nodded quickly and hopped into the kitchen, not questioning his brother again. 

Remembering the day today even his cutting of various toppings to lay on top of the congee was almost rhythmic. The nightmare was almost gone from his memory. 

In a large room close to the kitchen, if you listened closely you could make out a defeated sigh followed by the shuffling of bed sheets. 

Even in the morning this man dresses in a suit. It’s navy, with a white shirt underneath and silver cufflinks. Tilting his head Shi Qingxuan wonders if his ge ever gets tired of looking like a tyrant with taste.

_On second thought…. Probably not._

It’s an hour and a half later and the congee is decorated with sliced chicken, chopped scallions and a soy marinated egg he made a few days prior. Throughout the entire cooking process it was hardly silent, at least some sort of hum or background noise. Shi Qingxuan, unlike his brother, doesn't like silence too much. He doesn't hate it, but mostly he prefers some sort of noise.

Shi Wudu tolerates the background noise most times. 

The older one is already typing away at his computer, work really does consume the man. It takes Shi Qingxuan three whole ‘ge!’s’ to lift his head from the computer.

As soon as he sees that food is ready however, he finishes his last message and walks over to the table unhurriedly and sits down. While work takes the majority of his time, he always makes sure that him and Shi Qingxuan eat together at least four times a week. His work comes second to his brother, it has always been that way. 

The chef eagerly looks for his reaction, puppy eyes as he always does. He’s kicking his feet back and forth under the table. Shi Wudu raises an eyebrow. 

“You already know your cooking is good, why seek approval all the time?” He states, before taking another spoonful.

“Doesn’t hurt to be reminded that it’s great!” Shi Qingxuan heartily laughs. The older one simply shakes his head and goes to take an extra portion. Only a small one though.

Having finished the second portion he waits by the door of the penthouse. 

“Get your bags. I’ll be waiting by the car” 

“Ge, at least help me carry them!”

“Okay.” Then he proceeds to carry one bag. The lightest bag he could find. Shi Qingxuan whines on the way down. They’re all loaded into the car and the journey to the airport begins.

_________ 

“Make sure you call me at least twice a week.”

“I’ll call you as much as possible, ge!” Though he secretly wonders how his ge managed to settle for only twice a week. Maybe he’s getting less protective!

“You better” if others heard the cold tone he used, they’d think it was a threat. Shi Qingxuan however knew it was just him worrying over him. Maybe threatening him a tiny bit too.

A short time later and Shi Wudu had listed off at least another twenty things, not to hesitate to call him for money, not to eat airplane food because it was shitty, to get enough sleep, to have a multi plug outlet. Really the list was endless.

Shi Qingxuan retracts his earlier statement, waving his hand saying that he’ll do those things. They both know that some of them he won’t. 

“Okay okay ge I have it I got it! I’m not a child, and the airplane is leaving!” So with a final tight hug he ran off. 

A cold humph resounded in the air. The older one really did love his younger sibling. He would do pretty much anything to ensure his safety and prosperity, a lot would argue that he would do too much. If they knew…

Almost never did Shi Wudu show that he cared and even less show that he was proud of Shi Qingxuan, in a warm manner anyway. Shi Qingxuan wondered often if there was anything that could make him proud of him. Yet today that tyrant would allow himself to show a small gesture of what others would call warmth. 

Today Shi Qingxuan would get on the plane from Beijing airport and land at Heathrow. Then, he would start university and would only come back for holidays. Shi Wudu shook his head silently. 

“Qingxuan.”

“Hm?” Shi Qingxuan stops in his step. 

Shi Wudu walked the distance his younger brother had run and patted Shi Qingxuan’s head. “Off you go.”

Shi Qingxuan smiled brighter than the heavens and laughed as he finally ran off again. Shi Wudu continued to look until he couldn’t see his younger brother. His face was stern, it always was but this time it was harder than usual.

“In this lifetime I will stay. I’ll make sure you live a happy life to the end.” He swore to himself. With a turn of his heel he marched off back to his office. He took the morning and afternoon off but he knows work would have piled up. If it was back then he would’ve made someone else take care of the minor stuff. Alas, he is no god now. The Water Tyrant no more, what remains is a mere mortal. So he has to do it himself. 

_____

Finally! He was at his accommodation! He stretched out before the university flats and triumphantly walks in, an ever present smile etched on his face.

_I’m sure my roommates will be great._

He arrived before anyone else, and got the keys and started to unpack, before he heard the door open and close again. It must be one of his roommates! He almost stumbles down the stairs to greet them before freezing mid step. 

“Hi. I’m He Xuan.”

He’s taller than the vibrant youth, and his skin is quite a shade paler. His hair is sleek and reaches midway to his nape, and its black as obsidian. Curiously he has two long gold earrings. 

A tide of black water rolls at the back of his mind.

Everything goes blank before he blurts out, 

“I’m sorry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meng Meng. As you have asked Shi Wudu will give you a hug.  
> SWD: Why do I have to-  
> Me: Shhh---
> 
> Okay! All aboard the angst train because I *will* make them suffer. I love them though.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yin Yu gets the birthday he deserves

Three weeks to finals. Also, coincidentally enough, Yin Yu’s birthday. So, Shi Qingxuan would ignore the looming finals for now. 

Shi Qingxuan at first wanted to treat him to a feast at a large restaurant but he knew Yin Yu struggled with money and that would make him feel uncomfortable. He was going to insist but someone else suggested a better idea, and one that Shi Qingxuan accepted. 

Shi Qingxuan huffed lifting the lighter groceries. 

“What are you huffing for?” He Xuan asked. He was doing the real work, carrying 6 bags, three in each hand, at a time and not even breaking a sweat. Shi Qingxuan envied him, his hair was slightly messy. 

“He-xiiiiiiiong!” Shi Qingxuan whined, as he hauled the groceries onto the table. “I’d be fine with giving A-Yu a great big feast but he wouldn’t like it!” 

“He would not,” He Xuan agreed, putting down his bags too. 

“Then we’ll cook for him! And the money can go for premium ingredients and he never has to know!” Shi Qingxuan was insistent on letting Yin Yu have an amazing birthday whether he asked for it or not! A like minded individual also agreed with him, so he chipped in to buy the food - in fact this idea was his. He Xuan relented and also chipped in some money.

“Xuanxuan, are we going to make the food now?” A bunch of fluffy, wavy hair pulled up the last of the groceries. His hair was rather long and in a ponytail. The large hoodie he was in also looked comfortable. More importantly, he also, was not sweating a drop. 

_These two! Are they gods or something?!_ Shi Qingxuan thought, waving his hand in the air. He really wanted to pat the boy's head but he only let Yin Yu do it. Even though it was quite rare for him to initiate the head pats, Quan Yizhen would light up like the sun everytime. 

Still the image of He Xuan as a god gave him mixed feelings. What kind of a god only wore black? And maybe one other dark colour on occasion? A god hm? Still there are more important things right now! 

“Yes! Okay so-” Then he rattled who was going to do what. Quan Yizhen was to do all the chopping, he was fairly skilled with a knife despite saying he hasn’t cooked before. Shi Qingxuan made sure to not give him anything where any sort of delicate handling was required. 

Never, _never_ , give Quan Yizhen _anything_ that requires him to control his strength. 

Once he gave Quan Yizhen some meat filling to mix together. The mince turned to liquid. Or when he gripped a pen so hard it exploded, yes, _exploded_ , in his hand. That time he screwed a lightbulb so tight the glass part snapped clean from the metal part. But the fluffy youth was just too adorable, Shi Qingxuan couldn’t hate him for it. He Xuan… well… he would scoff, and throw a sarcastic comment every time. It was upto Yin Yu and Shi Qingxuan to make sure they wouldn’t start fighting.

Speaking of fighting, he would really just start throwing punches! Though it must be said he never started without a reason, though it must also be said that he didn’t control himself much so even if someone said something mean he would throw out punches. The reasons he would start fighting though were… well it didn’t need to be much of a reason. Only when Yin Yu was there could he be somewhat restrained. 

They all had to be really careful when they went to bars, as Quan Yizhen would fight back if there was any sign that someone would start a drunken brawl with him. And if anyone so much as looked at Yin Yu wrong he would raise his sleeves and start walking to them. It was a mystery how he hasn’t gotten kicked out and how he’s never had to deal with the police. Or more like… he would just come back every time. Very quickly. When asked about it he would just shrug like it was no big deal.

He Xuan was in charge of frying, boiling, keeping time and being the ‘quality tester’. Shi Qingxuan’s job was everything else, and making sure the ‘quality tester’ didn’t eat half the food. 

“Why am I helping you do this?” He Xuan exhaled. Dipping his finger in the egg custard that Shi Qingxuan was straining after it cooled down. 

“Because you love me He-xiong!” Shi Qingxuan instantly replied in a sing-song tune, while turning the egg custard away from the tall dark haired man. He Xuan’s response was to cock an eyebrow, licking the remaining custard from his lips.

_I feel very attacked right now-_

“Says who?” 

“Me!” He grabbed his arm though he was covered in flour. “I am your best friend after all!”

Quan Yizhen spoke up, “More like only friend.”

He Xuan glared at the feisty guy, and humphed “I don’t remember having a best friend like you,” and attempted to shake Shi Qingxuan off his arm but gave up rather easily. 

“He-xiong! Don’t just abandon me! And if you didn’t glare at everyone I’m sure you’d have lots of friends!” Shi Qingxuan pouted, and let go of his arm to continue shaping the dumplings. He Xuan gave a sigh of relief, to which Shi Qingxuan pouted again.

“I don’t need friends,” 

“Still this _friend_ is why you’ll have all this delicious food to eat today!”

He Xuan could not rebute. So he chose to ignore it instead.

“Don’t eat all of Yin-xiongs food.” A slice sounded that was louder than the other slices. 

“I’ll do as I please,” He Xuan taunted. Quan Yizhen stared at him and lifted the knife from the chopping board to his direction. Shi Qingxuan’s internal alarm went BZZZZT.

“A-Zhen I promise he won’t eat it all!” He was very quick to say this. Turning to taunter he exclaimed “Right He-xiong? You won’t eat all his food! After all, it is his birthday!” 

“....Fine.” He conceded. In truth, while it couldn’t be said that he _likes_ Yin Yu, he didn’t _dislike_ him either. He’s quiet, and doesn’t get in his way. He also on occasion would bring small things to He Xuan that he saw he needed when Shi Qingxuan wasn’t around. A tissue if he heard He Xuan sneeze, the keys if He Xuan forgot them, a small bread bun if he noticed that He Xuan hadn’t eaten the entire day.

There was also another reason. He was one of the few who was a real friend to Shi Qingxuan. Shi Qingxuan took to socialising like a fish to water. He knew almost everyone, gossip would enter his ears left and right. A polite wave here, a smile there. But almost no one was truly his friend. He had kept that he has a rich brother away from gossip, but people still knew he was rich. And Shi Qingxuan didn’t mind offering to pay a little more when they went out, or offering to buy drinks. It wasn’t excessive but it was convenient to have him around. 

It’s not like these people disliked him, no they rather did like him and even more his bright personality. It’s just not many dived deeper than that. Paid for his drink, or asked him anything deeper than ‘how are you?’. Yin Yu was one of the select few who did that. Not only that, but he didn’t care about his wealth. Often going out of his way to not have him pay extra. It would be so much easier on his financial situation if he let Shi Qingxuan help, but he refused any big gestures, and even small ones were mostly rejected. Quan Yizhen also was dejected when his beloved ‘Yin-xiong’ wouldn’t accept his help most times.

For these reasons, He Xuan did not mind Yin Yu.

The rhythm of cooking overtook the kitchen. The dumplings were done, so He Xuan placed them in the steamer. Then taking the chopped ingredients from Quan Yizhen he mixed it with meat to make the wonton filling, which Shi Qingxuan took to fill the wontons. 

A short while later He Xuan took the rare initiative to ask a question, “I never thought you’d know how to cook. Why did you learn?”

“He-xiong asked me a question! A-Zhen did you hear that?” Shi Qingxuan basically jumped for joy. 

Quan Yizhen, still very focused on chopping (this time he was chopping the hot pot ingredients) had nodded, and grunted an affirmative sound. He Xuan made no comment. 

“Well my ge” He Xuan’s face immediately got dark after hearing the word ‘ge’. Something deep stirring in his eyes. Coughing before continuing, “a few things happened, and ge was the only one to look after me. He was eighteen, I was thirteen and he had just left school,” recounting those days, he scratched his cheek a few times. “Well before he became the CEO of his company, he had to work odd jobs so we could survive,” For some reason He Xuan let a ‘pfft’ at this.

Shi Qingxuan was confused but went on, “I wanted to help him how I could, and he would often forget to eat meals. He would just focus on work. That habit became even worse when he founded his company. I was worried about his health so I started making meals,” another wonton made and Shi Qingxuan had broken out a small, fond smile. “Ge always eats the meals I make, even if he grunts sometimes. By sometimes I mean all the time. But he makes sure we eat together at least four times a week. I still make sure he ate other times too.” Folding another wonton, he remembered he would call him ten- sometimes twenty times to make sure Shi Wudu ate. The tyrant now replies when the younger one sends him a text, so his phone wouldn’t get blown up. “Though haha! I was absolutely terrible at first and you can bet my ge scolded and criticised every aspect of my cooking.” He had laughed softly at the memory. He would go on to praise Shi Wudu, but decided after looking at He Xuan that he should stop. 

Though he acted normal, if you looked closely his eyes were empty, devoid of feeling. And the way he gripped the wok to make Kung Pao chicken was a tad too forceful. 

The last wonton was finished, so he plopped them carefully into the broth He Xuan had brung to a simmer. 

It took the entire day to finish all the food they had set out to make. They started early in the morning, but after Yin Yu had gone for lectures. They also knew he wouldn’t come home to study as he had a shift at his part time job that lasted till evening. The perfect amount of time to throw a ‘small’ surprise party. They might be skipping their own lectures and seminars but it’s not like they weren’t working hard.

This small surprise party is also the _only_ thing that could Quan Yizhen to wake up early and not emit a murderous aura large enough to scare a pride of lions into submission. If a lecture was too early for his tastes, he would just skip it. 

Shi Qingxuan and Quan Yizhen set out the table. Originally the brooding man would not do anything but after Shi Qingxuan pouted and dragged him over to help, he begrudgingly helped.

“There’s a problem,” Shi Qingxuan started.

“You don’t say,” He Xuan mocked.

“There’s not enough space on the table for all the food we made,” Quan Yizhen summarised.

They all looked at the table, scrutinising it. Shi Qingxuan thought that he was right in wanting to buy a bigger table (Yin Yu reasoned that their tiny kitchen would not fit a bigger one. This was the only reason why a bigger one wasn’t bought). He Xuan looked annoyed that all the potential food he could eat wouldn’t fit. Quan Yizhen burned a hole through the table with his scowl that read _‘how dare you not fit all of Yin-xiongs food?’_. Truly, the audacity this table possessed was beyond bounds.

A phone rang, and He Xuan’s no less. He never got calls! He grimaced at the phone before saying, “I have to take this,” and stepping outside.

“Oh he didn’t just decline the call,” Shi Qingxuan noted. Quan Yizhen continued to scowl at the table. “A-Zhen maybe he actually has a friend!” That was the conclusion he came to. “Or maybe it’s family but, _someone_ he has friendly relations with!” 

But now that he was gone, a gnawing feeling knocked, and entered Shi Qingxuan’s heart uninvited. A common freeloader. 

“Not possible.” Quan Yizhen stated. Then having deliberated enough, he reached and grabbed the table. Shi Qingxuan was confused then shrieked an _‘AH?’_ when he saw Quan Yizhen just pick up the table to the air.

“What are you doing??” 

“If the table isn’t big enough, then the floor can be the table. And this table is getting in the way” He explained.

“A-Yu wouldn’t want you to throw it out the window!” Shi Qingxuan panicked enough to almost stumble on empty air when he saw where the fluff was walking to. He paused, and seemed to agree so he changed directions. Walking to the door and trying to jam the table through it, switching up the angles.

Shi Qingxuan gave a long exhale, thinking he was really keeping these two in check! 

Then he thought of the nights he drank, how He Xuan would always grumble and complain (‘Why did you drag me out?’ When he knew if he really wanted to stay behind Shi Qingxuan wouldn’t push much harder) but every time. Every. Time. Would take meticulous care but pretend it was just more convenient for him if Shi Qingxuan wasn’t complaining about a hangover. Or ruffled clothes. Or bed hair, even though some of the only days he didn’t have bed hair was the night after he went drinking. 

Even Quan Yizhen. While he wasn’t as protective of Shi Qingxuan as he was of Yin Yu, if the need arose he would fight for Shi Qingxuan no questions asked. In addition sometimes he would converse and talk with him. Apart from his three roommates, it was almost like Quan Yizhen didn’t see anyone else around him. 

_Okay but this time, I’m still keeping them in check! Don’t worry A-Yu, they won’t eat or your food or worry you about the table!_ Well now they had the floor, they would probably be able to fit four people and the food. Just barely. But first! Cushions. Shi Qingxuan refused to let himself and his friends sit on the cold, hard, probably not as clean as he wanted to think, floor. 

“Something bothering you Xuanxuan?” Quan Yizhen popped up after stuffing, rather loudly, the table in his room. 

“Haha what could be bothering me?” He attempted to deflect the question. 

“He Xuan.” He didn’t even hesitate to answer.

A small silence. “I thought you only paid attention to A-Yu, ah today really is a day of celebration!” To which Quan Yizhen just continued to look at him. Shi Qingxuan was a bit unnerved.

It wouldn’t hurt to tell him just a bit...

“Don’t tell He-xiong, it’s not his fault.” Shi Qingxuan admitted. “I love being with him, oh and with you and A-Yu! It’s just….” he paused. “It’s just… I can’t shake a feeling like… I don’t know.” he chewed on his lips slightly. Everything started to flow out of him. “It’s heavy and makes me want to resign to some sort of defeat. Like if he asked me to live as a poor beggar, or slave away for the rest of my life I would,” Shi Qingxuan’s voice broke slightly at the end. “I know it’s really weird! After all, I only met him when I moved into the dorms… But… But at the same time I _want_ to stay by his side. I _like_ being with him. If he lets me.” Putting down the cushions one by one, his hair obscured his face so you couldn’t see the sort of face he was making.

The one thing he kept to himself was the nightmares. He had heard when you go to new places dreams become more vivid. But they haven’t died down. The waters got heavier, and louder. Sometimes new scenarios he’s never seen before were laid out.

Quan Yizhen was quiet for a moment. Then he looked up and patted Shi Qingxuan’s head. He always felt better when Yin Yu patted his head so he assumed it was like this for Shi Qingxuan too. “I think he likes you too.” It was a simple sentence. Anyone could say it. But this fluffy boy would never lie.

“Thank you, A-Zhen.” Lifting his head, he gave a toothy smile. This was the good thing about this one. He saw things simply, and sometimes simple was good. It cut through Shi Qingxuan’s dangerous spiral at least for a while. He felt a bit better.

“Now let’s set out the food!”

\---

Meanwhile, He Xuan picked up the call after he was certain no one could hear him.

“Crimson Rain, is there a need for you to call me and not to text me?” He bit at the caller.

“I don’t want to call you either,” on the other end there was a sneer, “Mount Tonglu will open soon.”

“I know.”

“Black Water,” Hua Cheng warned, “it’s none of my business but your way to deal with it is to hibernate. If you don’t-”

“I’ve waited too fucking long.” He Xuan interrupted, gripping his phone ever tighter. “Who knows how long I’ll hibernate for, and this time I want to…”

“He was tormented last time.”

“I didn’t kill him last time though” He Xuan spat and ended the call. He knew Hua Cheng wouldn’t care. But he knew he was right. Tormented, the perfect word to describe Shi Qingxuan’s last life. It was why it got to him. He may have not killed him but what did Shi Qingxuan say?

“I want to die.”

He Xuan knew he never forgave himself even in his last days as a mortal, no matter how happy he acted. He Xuan didn’t know if that’s what he wanted at the time. It didn’t make him feel any _happier_ though. It took him centuries to understand that was not what he wanted. So what if he realised it though? It was too late. Until he found out that the object of his grief was reincarnated. Even so, what could he do?  
_Sorry not sorry that I murdered your brother in your last lifetime but I gave you chances not to suffer? Oh, and you stole my fate but now I would like to…_ A bitter laugh escaped him. As if he could do that.

A minute later another ding, but this time it was a message notification. 

_Crimson Prick_  
_How is he?_

Why would you care?

_Dianxia wants to know_

Why not visit him yourself then?  
_We did, when he was a kid. We even  
gave him candy but he probably doesn’t  
remember_

How is he? He Xuan leaned back against the wall and covered his eyes with the back of his hand.  
\---  
“I’m sorry.” A youth blurts out. His hair was fluffy and cut short. It was longish for men in this era but it was cut at the nape, so it was all exposed. He wore dark blue ripped jeans, with a pale silk green shirt that was tucked into the jeans, but it was still quite loose. 

The new comer cocked an eyebrow.

“Did you break something in the kitchen or something?” He asked casually but it almost felt like he had a heart again. Something was ready to jump out of his chest. Something he couldn’t control.

_Does he know? That should be impossible. But why else would he apologise? ___

____

__

“Oh.” he blinked. “I uhh.. Haha!” he stumbled around for a bit, “I broke the ladle just now! I’ll buy a new one I promise!”

He never was good at lying. It doesn’t seem like he’s changed at all, not that he didn’t know that from checking up on him every now and then. Still, talking to him after so many centuries a warmth spreads in his chest. He steeled himself.

This time… _This time I’ll what? Pretend nothing happened, pretend I didn’t scar him for life, pretend that I can be Ming-xiong again? Pretend to be what ‘Ming-xiong’ was before but under my real name?_

“Don’t worry about it.”  
\---  
“Black Water, Shixiong will be back soon, hurry back. Also you’re making Xuanxuan sad.” Perching atop the roof opposite He Xuan, he declared. 

“Never thought I’d see a day where Qi Ying would care about someone else other than Yin Yu.”

“Xuanxuan makes good food.” He piped up, and paused for a while. “He also defended Shixiong and me when others spoke badly of us. So he’s good,” He simply said. Really, if you show this child kindness he would repay it a hundred fold, just that he didn’t always know how. 

“I’m coming.”

A finger was pointed to his sleeve. “You still have flour on your sleeve from when Xuanxuan hugged you.” Quan Yizhen helpfully pointed out.

“....” He knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I'll make the prep and the celebration one chapter  
> Wordcount: are you sure about that?  
> Me: Not anymore  
> QYZ ready to yeet that table though
> 
> Gah! This is a long update! I don't think the other chapters will end up this long. Hopefully...  
> Also someone please help me figure out this HTML bs pleaseeeeeee


	3. Chapter 2

All the food was laid out on the floor, and now all they had to do was wait. It was evening now after all. Quan Yizhen was practically bouncing on the spot from impatience.

“I’ll go get him,” Grabbing his bomber jacket he really did start to walk to the door.

“A-Zhen this is a surprise, he will be here soon,” Shi Qingxuan tried to reassure him. At the same time He Xuan had grabbed his collar and shook his head. Quan Yizhen pulled a sour face but obediently went to wait by the door. Fidgeting, tapping his fingers.

It didn’t take long for a clack to sound at the door. The turning of keys. Shi Qingxuan had dragged the other two to the kitchen. The door opened and a tired sigh accompanied it. The coat was carefully hung on the rack and his shoes removed and placed neatly to the side, one by one. The keys were placed on a wall key holder and then he started moving forwards through the house. 

Step, step. He was getting closer to the kitchen. The nerves of at least two people shot through the roof.

 _He’sherehe’shere!_ A nervous excitement bubbled through Shi Qingxuan. All of their preparation. It was for this! 

Shi Qingxuan jumped from the corner of the kitchen and squealed, “Happy birthday A-Yu!” He was going to go and hug him but someone else beat him to it. Someone shorter than Yin Yu (but not had much) had all but made a straight bee line into his arms.

“Happy birthday Yin-xiong!” Quan Yizhen radiated gleefulness as he looked up to smile at the person he was hugging. Yin Yu thought he needed sunglasses at this very moment. He laughed nervously and patted Quan Yizhen’s back a few times awkwardly, before breaking away from the hug. 

Even the usual stone face of the group stepped out leisurely and congratulated him, “Happy birthday.”

Yin Yu stared at all the food at the floor before asking, with some hesitation in his voice, “This… is this all for me?”

“Yes!”

“All of it!” Two resounding affirmations, and one,

“We’ll be eating too,” from a man clad in black. The other two turned to frown at him before he pointed out, “I think this would be too much for him to eat alone.” The frowns were retracted. 

“You really didn’t need to!” Yin Yu awkwardly waved his hands.

“We wanted to!”

“Yin-xiong deserves to have a good birthday!” They both said at the same time again, leaning forward and nodding as if to emphasise how much they wanted to do this. 

“Just enjoy the meal,” He Xuan added from the corner. Yin Yu was a bit tense, but relaxed slightly with those words. He smiled apologetically and decided to sit down. He was really amazed with just how much they had cooked, and the variety of dishes, even if most of them were of Chinese origin. He liked this food though, many of his favourites were on display. They even attempted to make hand pulled noodles for him.

It didn’t take him long to relax, they all chatted over hotpot, and other foods. This evening even He Xuan was talkative, relative to his usual self. Yin Yu gradually stopped minding himself so much and just enjoyed everything as it came. While he was always polite now he was polite out of being such a person, instead of adhering to some social rules. 

“It was his idea,” Shi Qingxuan pointed a thumb over to Quan Yizhen who was currently demolishing some stir fried rice. He looked up, rice all over his face, and some soy sauce on his nose. The picture of it all was a bit funny, so Shi Qingxuan broke into a small giggle. 

Yin Yu was stunned however, his eyes widened slightly with disbelief. He looked over to Quan Yizhen who looked back, smiled and nodded a few times. 

“...It, it was a really good idea, Quan Yizhen,” He genuinely thanked him, and even smiled at him softly. Quan Yizhen was still sad that he wouldn’t call him just ‘Yizhen’ but seeing his Shixiong smile made him smile too.

“Anything for Yin-xiong!” Beamed Quan Yizhen. 

Yin Yu shook his head in his heart. _That’s the problem, why would you do so much for me?_ This kid basically attached himself to Yin Yu from the moment they met, and has been sticky ever since. Yin Yu really couldn’t fathom why this was, and in truth it made him slightly uncomfortable. He would also try to solve any and all problems that Yin Yu had, but that usually involved either trying to beat someone up or throwing money at it. Neither of these ‘solutions’ helped, and usually had him trying to sort out the mess instead or vehemently denying money. They also sometimes estranged Yin Yu from the poor souls who Quan Yizhen picked a fight with, as he was the person who had to deal with it. 

When Yin Yu got really uncomfortable with his clinginess, a flash of hurt would be seen in Quan Yizhens eyes but he would quietly let him go. It never seemed that he wanted to let go but rather like he remembered something and let go, almost like he was afraid. Afraid of what would happen if he kept holding.

Still, he had an undeniable soft spot for him. This child really was helpless in many aspects of life. He’d help out anytime he was asked and kept an eye on him, even if sometimes it was really troublesome. From teaching him how to use the stove, to stopping fights. Quan Yizhen always listened to him wholeheartedly and he couldn’t hate that.

To know that this very same child matured enough to have at least thought of an idea of this delicacy really... something melted and some warmth spread through his chest. 

At the start he really did try to avoid him. He couldn’t place his finger on it but he would rather walk out of the room if he saw the tell tale street style clothes and fluffy hair in a ponytail. Eventually, he had slowly grown accustomed to his presence and maybe just a bit, enjoyed teaching him all of these things. He couldn’t say he didn’t feel a bit bitter in all those driven away by Quan Yizhen, unbeknownst to his knowledge, but still… The warmth in his chest was still there.

So he patted Quan Yizhen’s head gently and repeated.

“Thank you, Yizhen.” 

If you could see Quan Yizhen you would say it was like someone just gifted him the world. A child who got a big, fluffy, stuffed toy for their birthday gift by their parents. A puppy who got adopted.

“Ying-xiong!” Quan Yizhen dove into a hug again, crocodile tears threatening to spill. Yin Yu smiled and patted him again, and just for today he would let him hug him for a while longer.

Shi Qingxuan huffed from another cushion, “I also helped!” 

“Thank you Shi Qingxuan,” Yin Yu also smiled at him, while patting the mess. He also turned to He Xuan, “He Xuan, thank you too.”

He Xuan looked up from his bowl and nodded. His cheeks were filled to the brim, like a hamster and his chopsticks still kept shovelling in noodles. Shi Qingxuan broke into wild laughter, whereas Yin Yu ‘pfft’ed and tried not to show that he was laughing. Quan Yizhen was too busy nuzzling Yin Yu.

“You-” in between bouts of laughter Shi Qingxuan managed, “You should really- get a bachelors in inhaling food instead.” He was holding his stomach, he almost couldn’t breathe. He leaned over so much he ended up falling on He Xuan’s lap. What’s he doing, trying to look so serious while in this situation?

He looked up to He Xuans face and felt it wasn’t fair. How come he was so cute when his cheeks were fuller than a train in Tokyo during rush hour?! His heartbeat quickened a pace but he didn’t take too much notice of it. It was still hilarious though. Cute and funny. 

“That would be useless, I don’t need a bachelors for that” he decided. 

Shi Qingxuan and Yin Yu were secretly glad that he was eating so much. They both knew while most have heard of how much He Xuan could put away there was something many didn’t know, or they would forget. He Xuan swung between two extremes. Eating, and not. It was something that they both tried to help with to varying degrees. Yin Yu would buy a small snack and leave it, while Shi Qingxuan would sit with him until he ate even just a little bit, usually very soft foods. 

“You’re right about that!” Shi Qingxuan smiled. “Oh! Everyone get in for a photo,” he got up from He Xuan’s comfortable lap. Taking out his phone he motioned for everyone to squeeze in. He said something about ‘cheese’ before taking the photo from what looked like a very awkward position. Waving his hand he said it was best from that angle. 

Yin Yu politely asked, “Could you send that to me?”

“Me too,” Quan Yizhen piped up, reluctantly not hugging Yin Yu, but still much, much, closer to him than before. 

Shi Qingxuan beamed, “I’ll send it to everyone!” And so he did that very moment, on the ‘Flatmate Bros’ group chat. Then he paused, and opened another chat.

 _💙Gege💚_  
[groupphoto.png]  
We’re all having a party here! Look  
at all this food my flatmates and I  
cooked! 💚 

It was really late over there, even Shi Wudu would have to be asleep. This would be the first time he would see all of his flatmates too. Putting his phone back in his pocket, he sat down.

They continued until evening chatting, eating and enjoying themselves. But time was rolling on and it came to be where they had to clean up. There was a lot of food left over, so Yin Yu helped He Xuan pack it all into tubs and store it in the fridge. Perfect food for the next week or so, and no need to cook. Quan Yizhen and Shi Qingxuan were in charge of clean up duty.

“Was it really his idea?” Yin Yu was still in a bit of disbelief.

“It was,” He Xuan replied. He returned to packing the food. Yin Yu seemed to soften all around, and also continued to pack in a comfortable silence. He had now fully accepted that it really was his idea, and was grateful to him. Not to mention immensely grateful to the other two as well. He knew Shi Qingxuan was the only one who could cook, and deduced the other two would have helped. Even He Xuan helped.

He held the evening close to his heart. This may well have been the first time anyone outside of his family decided to give him a birthday like this.

Meanwhile Shi Qingxuan was nagging Quan Yizhen about all the spots he had missed with the vacuum, to which he shrugged and passed the vacuum to Shi Qingxuan and went back to his room to put the table back into the kitchen. You could hear a few exasperated shouts from the one who just got thrown the vacuum but he cleaned nonetheless.

Quan Yizhen came back with the table, seemingly remembering which awkward angle it had fit through. Yin Yu only just figured that the table was missing, “Ah? So that’s where it was?”

“That’s right Yin-xiong!” 

Soon they were finished, and it was around eleven. Or as how Shi Qingxuan would say ‘the night is still young!’ They were all in such a good mood too… he had a light bulb moment. 

“We’re having so much fun! Why don’t we play truth or dare?”

He Xuan reminded him, “Finals are coming up,”

The lightbulb had vanished, and the carefree one buried his head in his hands. Groaning he asked, “Did you have to remind me?” A scoff for an answer. Well, Shi Qingxuan had another idea worthy of the lightbulb. “Why don’t we go somewhere quiet to study together?” Grinning, he hugged a certain person's arm.

“You’ll create all the noise instead.” Instant rejection. The corners of his mouth lifted slightly though. 

“He-xiooooong I promise, _promise_ , I’ll be quiet and study!” He _guaranteed_ , tugging slightly at his arm. 

He Xuan relented, “Not like you’ll let me say no.”

So that was settled, tomorrow they would study somewhere together. 

He still managed to get everyone to a couple rounds of truth or dare. Some whining and tugging and He Xuan joined, but not out of his free will.

It started out innocent, ‘tell me about your crush’, ‘who in class would you like to screw, ‘eat a tablespoon of tabasco’ and so on. He Xuan wasn’t any good at dares (he would say it’s too troublesome) so just made Shi Qingxuan strip or tell him not to speak for two minutes. Yin Yu was too polite to make anyone do any extreme dares or uncomfortable truths. In a few rounds things got a bit more interesting though, but not because of the type of question. 

“Who’s the one person you’d most want to meet?” Shi Qingxuan had asked Yin Yu. He seemed to deliberate for a while. 

“Fictional or not?” He had asked at last.

Shi Qingxuan had waved his hand, “Either.” 

Yin Yu thought some more before answering, “Ever since I was a kid I’ve had this fascination with immortals, well gods. Cultivators and talented individuals who ascended to the Upper Heaven. So if I had to pick someone I guess one of them? Maybe the Heavenly Emperor?” 

“Ying-xiong I have heard of a Martial God of the West, he would love to see you, the Heavenly Emperor isn’t good,” Quan Yizhen chipped in, seemingly clutching his arm in a protective manner. 

“Quan Yizhen- Ah, Yizhen! Could you please let go of my arm...” Yin Yu tried to remain composed but this sentence was quickly spoken and in a high pitch. Quan Yizhen muttered a ‘sorry Yin-xiong’ and let go slowly.

Yin Yu and Shi Qingxuan were both confused by his reaction but neither pressed forward. He Xuan sipped some water like he knew something more. He would’ve sipped coffee but Shi Qingxuan had scolded him about drinking coffee at this time of night. 

“What about you He Xuan?” Yin Yu asked, trying to divert the topic of conversation. Instead, it seemed to scratch some sore spot. He Xuan grimaced but still answered, after putting down his cup.

“The Young Lord Who Poured Wine, his nickname before you ask,” he had specifically pointed that statement to Shi Qingxuan. 

“Who’s he?” Shi Qingxuan still had to ask. There was someone he wanted to meet after all. 

He Xuan drummed his fingers on the table for a minute, “Someone… Bothersome.”

“Why do you want to meet him then?” Baffled, Shi Qingxuan pressed on. The title also stirred him like his dreams did. He had never heard of the title before though. 

“...” A small silence. “I want to meet him again. To… talk?” It was the first time everyone had heard him be unsure of himself. 

Of course he was unsure. He Xuan didn’t even know the answer himself. He was already by Shi Qingxuan’s side, as in the previous lifetime in this one he would also drag and pull He Xuan around, proclaiming to be his best friend. This time he denied it less. His personality was as it always was. By answering like that was he implying to himself he wanted to meet the one who had his memories?

He couldn’t decide. This way Shi Qingxuan could live in blissful ignorance of everything. Everything he didn’t need to know. _But why should he forget everything? Why should he live the life of ignorance?! Then do I want him to know?_

Memories flashed of Shi Qingxuan’s mortal life. When he met Xie Lian he didn’t even ask him to heal his injuries though it was possible for a god. Never sought a doctor of physician either. Sometimes when the mornings or evenings were quiet and he was alone, he would prostrate for his dead brother and He Xuan’s dead family. He never prayed to He Xuan. 

_Tormented. Do I want him to suffer in this life too?_

Some deep, sadistic part of He Xuan wanted him to keep suffering for everything. But there was a more powerful force, more gentler, that wanted a bubbly Shi Qingxuan by his side. Like how everything was before Shi Wudu’s failed Third Heavenly Calamity. Thinking of Shi Wudu he thought of another reason for Shi Qingxuan to never regain his memories. 

_If he never knows, he has no reason to pick his senseless brother. If he never knows he is never presented between two choices._

The two sides clashed, but his face showed nothing. 

The tides calmed. Or maybe… he had wanted Shi QIngxuan’s memories to return for another reason. To talk. That’s what he said. Maybe it was true. Maybe he wanted a Shi Qingxuan who knew everything and stayed by his side. Grabbed him by the hand and said ‘You’re still my best friend!’ But the fear that he would instead leave when he found out, that... That gripped his heart like an iron vice and squeezed for all it was good for. Another case appeared in his mine too. What if he couldn’t handle the anguish and the happy Shi Qingxuan in his memories, the one by him right now was lost to him? 

He always knew what he wanted. He died from exhaustion, by his last ditch choice. He enacted his revenge that took him centuries to plan and carry out. He always had the last say. He was strong willed. It was only one person who could make him question what it was he wanted. _Yes, only you Shi Qingxuan._

So which one was better? For Shi Qingxuan to forever stay oblivious and happy by his side? Or one that finally, _finally_ , chooses _him_.

He only snapped out of it when there was some cup put in front of him. He looked up and saw and saw Shi Qingxuan with a bottle of wine he had bought the other week. 

“What are you doing?” He asked, arching an eyebrow.

Shi Qingxuan laughed and gave a friendly wink, “I’m not a Lord but I am young, and I’m pouring you some wine!” He Xuan was stunned, but also. This is _exactly_ the sort of thing he would do. Of course. “Now you have met The Young Lord Who Poured Wine, well minus the Lord part!” He poured the wine until half of the cup was full, because they did plan on sleeping. 

He Xuan downed the wine in one fell swoop, and cracked the smallest smile, “Guess I have.”

_You’ve been next to me all this time, you just don’t remember. I don’t know if I want you to remember. But stay by my side. Keep me by yours._

Yin Yu said something about being careful so he doesn’t choke and Quan Yizhen asked if Shi Qingxuan wanted a truth or a dare. He proudly announced he wanted a dare. 

“I dare you to kiss him on the cheek,” And pointed at He Xuan.

“Didn’t anyone tell you it was rude to point?” He Xuan sipped more coffee. Quan Yizhen made no comment. Shi Qingxuan laughed and decided to make a show of it. They were both guys anyway! 

He wrapped his arms over He Xuans neck and hugged him close. Then he giggled and kissed his cheek very lightly. It lingered for a second longer than needed. He Xuan pushed his face away. 

“If you have to do it, don’t make a show of it,” he chided and pulled a face which said he did not enjoy it.

“But it’s more fun that way,” Shi Qingxuan hummed, and continued the next round of truth or dare.

He knew he went a bit over the top, but it couldn’t hurt, right? It was just a dare after all. Even if he himself took the step to wrap his arms around He Xuan. It was He Xuan after all! It would be okay!

He Xuan also made no show of it. In truth, he had liked it. Too much. The spot he pecked was warm, something he hadn’t felt in centuries, if not millennia. Resisting the urge to rub the spot where he was kissed, he joined the game of truth or dare from the sidelines. 

They all, minus the Supreme, fell asleep. They had played truth or dare for quite a while, and then just leaned on each other when they got tired. Before they knew it they were all asleep. Yin Yu was in the middle. On his right Quan Yizhen was curled up right to his side. He was hugging his arm and his head was firmly on his shoulder, almost at the crook of his neck. Shi Qingxuan more like was just leaning against Yin Yu. He was also leaning against his shoulder and Yin Yu’s head rested atop Shi Qingxuan’s. 

He Xuan closed the blinds. Well, they fell asleep that way so they can stay that way. He wouldn’t mess with that. He stepped forward but then paused. He took out his phone. 

The picture Shi Qingxuan took didn’t have him in it. So he opened the camera app and took a single photo. And so, his gallery finally had a singular photo in it. But then he decided to take another photo. This one only had Shi Qingxuan in it and his gentle sleeping face. 

A smug face popped up at the back of his mind. ‘He was tormented last time.’ Was it? 

_Crimson Prick_  
[sleepingtrio.png]  
He’s doing fine.

Turning off his phone he went to his room. Before opening his laptop he pulled his phone out again. The home screen was some generic background that was preloaded on the phone. His lockscreen, was an open fan against a jar of wine. The kind of jar that would be used in ancient times. The fan had one character on it. ‘Wind’. 

Then went off to open his laptop and talk to his client. You needed money in this world, and He Xuan had plenty, though still had a mountain of debt owed to a certain someone. Though it was hard to contact him, and you needed an idiotic amount of money to hire him many jumped at the chance to work with him. 

Meanwhile Shi Qingxuan was dreaming. Despite the day being so special, and a memory he would hold in his heart like the precious treasure it was, his dreams were turbulent. He could feel the grimy hands of these… _people_ … these… _madmen_. They were madmen. They were groping everywhere, tearing, tugging, giggling. Shi Qingxuan’s instinct screamed at him to get away. 

Anywhere. 

There was a cling and clang of iron shackles. He couldn’t move. This turned more gears in his head, each thought overpowering the preceding one. Move, move, _move. MOVE!_

 _GET ME_ AWAY _FROM HERE!_ He hollered and he kept struggling but his movement was sealed. Both of his arms and legs were useless. This was a new scenario. Not only that but usually in his dreams he would only play the part of the spectator. He had never been the one in the dream, usually just hearing fragments and seeing them too. Such continuity... He didn’t know how it would play out, but he wanted to be awake, awake, awake where he could move. He had never known the fear of not being able to move.

It hurt, it hurt when he thrashed about and the iron shackles hit back against his skin forcefully. 

_Please-_

His eyes flew open. The other two were still asleep. Quan Yizhen was a deep sleeper and Yin Yu wasn’t a light sleeper. So, Shi Qingxuan who woke up terrified, but woke up quietly didn’t disturb those two.

His arms were free. He rubbed them, and looked at his feet. Free. He was not looking forward to dreaming of that again. Deep breath. Another. He was shaking. 

He carefully leaned Yin Yu’s head against Quan Yizhen’s and got up to drink some iced tea he made previously, putting in his earphones to play some music. Silence may be golden but noise kept thoughts at bay.

He sipped a cup of tea and just sat for a while. Sat until the ripples in his tea ceased. When he was calmer, he decided that for the sake of being able to study with He Xuan properly he would go back to sleep. Or at least try. 

So he got a blanket and covered the two sleeping ones first before settling down. He pulled the blanket over himself and leaned against Yin Yu, head on his shoulder. The warmth gave him a sense of comfort, and security. 

Even though he had that nightmare he wore a soft smile to sleep. After all, tomorrow was going to be a good day.

This time he slept peacefully, almost like knowing that his two flatmates next to him formed some sort of imaginary barrier that turned the waters a crystal clear blue. But to him his flatmates were more than just flatmates. They were his best friends, some of his few real friends. He Xuan was included in this group too, but Shi Qingxuan felt something deeper for him. Whether he feared it, or welcomed it he wasn’t sure. He just knew he wanted to be near him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So was anyone going to tell me Yin Yu is taller than Quan Yizhen or did I have to look that up in the TGCF wiki myself? (Only by a few cm but still!!)
> 
> Also thank you for the comments and the kudos they really keep me going <3 Next chap He Xuan and Shi Qingxuan get some alone time haha


	4. Chapter 3

Shi Qingxuan woke up with a crick in his neck, so the first thing he did was stretch his neck all the way back. Slowly, slowly. The other two were sleeping so soundly, so he got up and tucked in the blanket tightly. Smiling a bit mischievously, he took a photo of them. The child of the group could thank him later. Ah, look at these two, not a care in the world.

Shi Qingxuan made his way to He Xuan’s room, though he knew he probably wasn’t in there. Opening the door without so much as a knock, he was right. _Yup, gone_. He Xuan was probably at his morning lecture. Noticing he was hungry he went back to the kitchen, he didn’t want to wake the other two sleeping birds so he picked out some food that could be eaten cold and not make you wish it was heated up. Today was his free day, so he would only really wait for He Xuan to finish his lecture. Maybe it was a good thing he woke up later than usual.

 _He-xiong 🖤✨_  
He-xiongggg~ when do you  
finish your lecture?

_Hour and a half_

I’ll meet you outside the  
library then! 💚

_[Read 9.32]_

Sooooo he had an hour and twenty minutes to do whatever he liked. His brother still hadn’t read his message which was odd, but not alarming so he let that go. He also texted him to eat something, then went on to reply to some messages from his friends over in China, and those who had free time he chatted with. He kept switching between weibo, instagram and a few messaging sites for about an hour. It was okay, he would be productive _later_. When he was studying with He Xuan. 

For the last twenty minutes he did decide to be semi productive and do some simple yoga for about fifteen. Refreshed, with a casual yet elegant outfit, but also a bit on the extra side, he first packed two lunches then made his way to the library, which was a ten minute walk.

He tapped his foot while he waited.

 _He-xiong 🖤✨_  
Where are you???

_Prof overran talking about  
his own thesis on the subject  
he was lecturing on. He just finished.  
I’ll be there soon_

There it was that nervousness again. Almost like he wanted to turn tail and run, run far away. But at the same time a voice pleaded with him to stay and accept anything thrown his way. They couldn’t decide what they wanted to do, his heart a battlefield. He wanted He Xuan to come quicker so these thoughts could be forgotten. Though he did whine and complain a lot it was usually over petty stuff or injustice that wasn’t tied to his issues, anything that was serious and personal he usually kept to himself. So of course, He Xuan never knew of these feelings and Shi Qingxuan was planning on keeping it that way.

_These feelings! Agh! Where did they even come from?!_

It only took one look at He Xuan, who was walking at a leisurely pace turning a corner, to erase that feeling. It took around five minutes, which was strange. The building his lectures took place was fifteen minutes away?

“Awww He-xiong! Did you hurry for me?” He cooed when He Xuan was in hearing distance.

“I just walk fast.” And he went into the library. He wasn’t sweating or even huffing so Shi Qingxuan was almost inclined to believe him, but he had never seen a sweaty or an out of breath He Xuan, ever.

It was busy, and they barely managed to find two seats close together. Everyone had the same idea for finals. He Xuan got out some books and immediately started studying. The other one got out his books, pencil case, highlighters, paper to write on, his notes and started arranging them to his satisfaction. All in all, to perfectly align everything it took him around five minutes. He Xuan continued to answer exam style questions.

Now, what did he want to study? While he pondered he snuck a snack and pondered some more. Okay he decided what he wanted to study. Notes? Flashcards? Questions? He Xuan continued to say nothing, the scribble of his pen audible. 

He decided on questions, cleared everything that wasn’t relevant to one side and got cracking. He was productive for half an hour, answering and marking, correcting and repeating from step one. Then he started listening to what some other guys were talking about something that was rather repulsive. 

“So yeah I got her nudes the other day, wanna see?” It was some guy who apparently had an ego that was three sizes too large, and had already swelled even larger on his apparent success. 

“She didn’t want to send them last week so what changed? Yeah gimme them though.” It seemed he was a friend of the guy with a large ego. Shi Qingxuan had already wanted to go over from the first sentence but now he stood up faster. 

“Oh you know I have my ways.” The first guy gloated, swiping through his phone. Shi Qingxuan walked over and ‘accidentally’ pushed over the bottle of squash all over the group of guys, it splashed on their hastily written notes and quite a bit got all over their clothes. The phone was a bit wet, but it wasn’t ruined. He was very nonchalant about the whole thing. 

“I’m so sorry.” His eyes held a sly smile, he was not sorry at all. The group of guys shrieked, talking about how expensive the clothes Shi Qingxuan ruined were before they all shut up. Shi Qingxuan was going to offer to pay for the dry cleaning but then they all had looks of fear imprinted on their face. Shi Qingxuan didn’t understand until he turned around, but all he saw was the usual He Xuan? He turned back around and they seemed even more frightened this time.

He Xuan could look unapproachable but he wasn’t that scary as to shock people into silence? While he was thinking, there was a sneer off to the side of him.

“The library is too loud and full of idiots, lets go.” He Xuan said coldly, eyeing the noisy brats with wet clothes. He had already packed everything and stuffed Shi Qingxuan’s backpack in his arms.

“Wait He-xiong I know a place!” Shi Qingxuan rushed to He Xuan who was steadily walking outside. He smiled a thanks and beat up some air saying something along the lines of how those bastards deserved more. He Xuan watched with an amused twinkle in his eye. “If we get the bus into the centre and walk for ten minutes there’s a small shop that will be perfect for studying.” He explained, finally putting the backpack over his shoulders.

He Xuan cocked an eyebrow up, “And you’ll be able to study there?”

Shi Qingxuan looked up and smiled, “It’s pretty out of the way and I know the owner well! He might even close shop for us to study.”

He Xuan looked doubtful but motioned for him to show the way, following him by his side, not a step forward or behind from Shi Qingxuan. They walked to the bus where Shi Qingxuan talked about everything and anything. Today it was how to match clothes together, and what accessories go well with what. He said something along the lines of how He Xuan should try out some lighter colours and which colours would pair well with the long, dangly earrings he always wore. He Xuan for his part had a face that read ‘no way’ but he continued to listen to his drabble. Though he might’ve perked up ever so slightly when Shi Qingxuan mentioned how to pair black and gold together, with the clothes he already owns. 

While they waited for the bus, Shi Qingxuan excitedly showed him fanart of his favourite shows from twitter. 

“Jiang Cheng’s hatred towards Wei Wuxian was understandable,” He Xuan commented, when he saw a picture of Jiang Cheng idly swaying a jar of wine from a place where he could oversee the entirety of the rebuilt Lotus Pier. The Lotus Pier he promised to rebuild with Wei Wuxian but in the end it was left to him. The forgein Lotus Pier to Wei Wuxian. 

Shi Qingxuan puffed a bit and cried, “But he still cared about Wei Wuxian! And he never gets past his own hatred to see that he couldn’t just blame him! I’m still so sad that at the end Jiang Cheng had wanted to reconcile with his brother but he couldn’t find the words. Ah! He’s so good at words that express his contempt but finds it so hard to be nice without being such a prickly grape! And! He-xiong! You can’t blame Wei Wuxian for everything!”

He Xuan added with a sigh “I’m not blaming him for everything, just pointing it out. And not everyone is good at saying that they care.” Just as he finished this the bus had arrived. He let Shi Qingxuan go in first. Before either of them could find a seat the bus set off and Shi Qingxuan stumbled slightly. He Xuan put an arm out to balance him, before pointing to a pair of seats that haven’t been occupied.

Shi Qingxuan resumed the prior conversation, “Just like you and my ge! Neither of you say much, but you always show that you care. Just like how you stopped me from stumbling earlier!” He beamed. He Xuan frowned, and simply said,

“I didn’t want people to look at the stumbling idiot by me,” his words had a bit of a bite which took Shi Qingxuan by surprise but he recovered quickly. 

“Thank you anyways He-xiong~ I’ll catch you if you stumble too!” His voice was extra sweet, laden with a trace of a laugh. 

He Xuan leaned in, pushing Shi Qingxuan to the window, “Catch me if you can.” He challenged a small smirk present. His small revenge for mentioning Shi Wudu and him in one sentence.

Shi Qingxuan felt a shiver going down his spine. Before he could stutter out the question of what he was doing so close, He Xuan pulled a small spider out of Shi Qingxuan’s hair and showed him before setting it down elsewhere. The warm breath of He Xuan momentarily forgotten Shi Qingxuan ruffled his hair and looked over at the one next to him to ask why he didn’t do that sooner! The answer he got was that he only just noticed.

After two stops they had reached their destination. Hopping down from the bus Shi Qingxuan tugged He Xuan in the direction of the place he had wanted to go to. They bypassed the busy central street and turned down an inconspicuous alleyway. After a minute of walking you could see a clean, more minimalist style of shop selling boba. 

There was a ring of the bell when they entered. There were no customers but the place was impeccable. Shi Qingxuan smiled and waved, “Old man I’m here! Do you mind if me and He-xiong study here?”

The ‘old man’ who was really in his early forties went over to give Shi Qingxuan a hug, smiled and smacked his head with quite a bit of force. “I’m forty two I’m not that old! And sure you can study here but buy some boba first,” he went behind the counter.

Shi Qingxuan rubbed the spot he had hit, stuck his tongue out playfully and went on to order a very sweet milk tea, extra popping pearls of two flavours. Hot. He Xuan looked over the menu, and frowned as they all looked too sweet for his taste. Ever the observant person, Shi Qingxuan went over and pointed to the fruity selection of teas. 

“They’re not that sweet, and you can have no sugar in them.” Directing his attention to the pearl side of the board he added, “You can have it hot or cold, and with whatever pearls you like. The tapioca aren’t sweet and just add a nice texture, you caaaaan go without them but what’s a boba without the pearls?”

Shi Qingxuan offered to pay for both of them, but He Xuan said ‘I am not poor’ and that was that. After buying the boba the owner said he would be out for an hour and a half, so Shi Qingxuan can manage the store and if anyone comes in to take their order. 

“He’s the uncle of my friend in China, before he moved here we would chat on occasion so I know him from there!”

“I didn’t ask.” Taking the boba he sat down.

“But you looked like you were!” Shi Qingxuan counter argued and took a seat by He Xuan.

He Xuan drank some of his tea, pleasantly surprised that it actually didn’t taste too bad. In fact, it was rather refreshing, and the chewiness of the tapioca pearls were pleasing. He didn’t say anything but the way he kept drinking said more than enough. Shi Qingxuan laughed as he got his textbooks.

He did decide that he would do questions beforehand but now he was thinking flashcards maybe were a better use of his time… He put on a thoughtful face as he weighed the pros and cons of each method. He Xuan finally couldn’t take it anymore and asked,

“Do you need to remember something or do you know the contents already?”

Shi Qingxuan replied, “ I know the con-”

“Then do exam questions.” He Xuan interrupted, before going back to his own studying.

Like this they continued for a while. He Xuan’s pen almost never stopping unless it was to check if he had got it right or not. Shi Qingxuan hummed in the background as he answered question after question. Soon he got very bored of this, so he decided to switch his subject. Joint honours had their strengths.

But it also meant he had to juggle two subjects that had pretty much nothing to do with each other. He flopped onto the table, scribbling something in the corner. He Xuan reminded him, 

“Finals are in three weeks.” Shi Qingxuan turned his face to look at a diligent He Xuan before pouting. 

“He-xionggggggg. I should’ve picked one subject too. Marketing, Business has nothing to do with Global Society, Culture and Religion.” He poked his business book like it had done something wrong. As far as Shi Qingxuan was concerned, it’s mere existence brought misery to everyone who had to study it.

He Xuan rolled his eyes before asking, “Then why did you choose two?” Shi Qingxuan got up, and stretched before answering. 

“Ge wanted me to do something that could help the company so I could be employed there, but I wanted to do something I enjoyed. The halfway point was to do both.”

He Xuan seemed to be thinking of something, his face slightly scrunched up in what appeared to be to a hint of disgust. “Don’t you want to live your own life? Be something that is independent of your brother?” He gulped a bit, “Find a partner? Or what will you still cling to your brother?” His tone was mocking. This didn’t bother Shi Qingxuan in the slightest, or at least the questions he asked. 

He didn’t give it much consideration before. It was always him, and Shi Wudu. When no one else would spare them as much as a glance they only had each other. Shi Wudu tried to protect him as much as he could from the truth of reality but it seeped in from the outside. For the longest time there was just them. So the thought of being apart never really came to him either. He just thought he would deal with it as it comes. 

“I don’t see myself in the shadow of my ge. He is him and I am myself,” He looked up thoughtfully, tapping his chin before continuing, “I know I am dependent on him, but at the same time I can make my own decisions...” He remembered a memory of an angry Shi Wudu, “Mostly. He just wants what’s best for me. As for a partner” He smiled, slightly giddy, “Well I’d have to find one first!”

He Xuan seemed to be a bit irritated by his answer, his brows becoming more furrowed. “Do as you will. Do you always think that what he thinks is best for you is what you think is best for yourself?”

The question surprised Shi Qingxuan but he answered honestly, “Not always.” He Xuan did seem like he was expecting that answer but was still a bit surprised, not that he showed it for more than a fraction of a second. “There are times where we argue about my wellbeing, and it can go both ways. Sometimes I end up winning and he concedes, but most of the time ge wins. There’s only been a few occasions where I win.”

Shi Qingxuan was in the state of thinking, so he didn’t realise at first when he blurted out, “Like choosing my other degree. He wasn’t happy. I don’t think there is anything I can do to make him proud of me though.” It took him a few seconds to realise he said that aloud. He blinked a few times before waving his hands madly and laughing. “But he just doesn’t show it haha! He is just strict because he expects better.” It sounded like he was trying to convince himself. 

“Didn’t you say so yourself? You are your own person, so you don’t need his approval, or him to be proud of you.” He Xuan kicked his leg under the table lightly. Like a little nudge. 

Shi Qingxuan smiled, though unlike usual it didn’t quite reach his eyes, “Hahaha! You’re right. I am my own person!” He even raised a fist in the air. He muttered under his breath quietly though. “It would still be nice though...” 

Maybe it was the lighting, or now that He Xuan actually looked at Shi Qingxuan’s face he could see some dark circles under them. He reached out to touch Shi Qingxuan’s face, to which he exclaimed in surprise while the other told him to stay still. 

Shi Qingxuan was confused until he remembered. He forgot to put concealer under his eyes today! He didn’t sleep well for the last few days (with the exception of yesterday when he knew he was falling asleep against Yin Yu, with Quan Yizhen next to him too) so it was probably more noticeable! And with He Xuan being as eagle eyed as he is, it didn’t slip his vision. 

Shi Qingxuan held the hand on his cheek in both of his and dismissively grinning, “Oh this? Don’t worry I just have a few nightmares every now and then! So I haven’t slept well which is probably why I have these eye bags.”

“Nightmares? You?” He seemed a bit intrigued, leaning in. Almost as if he didn’t believe he would have anything that could cause him to have such nightmares.

Shi Qingxuan hesitated. He Xuan, seeing his hesitation bumped his leg again and said, “If you don’t want to talk about it, don’t.” His tone cold, yet his actions warm.

“No no no! I’ll tell you!” He sucked in a deep breath. It was He-xiong! His earlier determination about keeping this quiet gone. What did he have to worry about? A small voice in his head whispered, _a lot._ “I… Agh! I’ll just get it over with! This sounds ridiculous but I often have these dreams. I don’t know how to describe them. Sometimes they’re in a sky full of palaces, sometimes I’m in some sort of prison. Whenever I’m in this prison there’s always this black water, always saying things that make me… They make me...”

He Xuan listened intently, touching Shi Qingxuan’s legs with his once again, but this time keeping them there. It grounded Shi Qingxuan and he felt touched by the gesture. It managed to calm him down enough to confess. 

“He-xiong. These nightmares they scare me, so so much,” his voice was quiet. “I don’t know why but I can’t escape them. Then when I see that black water I lose all my will to fight back most times. There are times I scream until my voice is sore, until my soul is exhausted but other times I feel like it should do whatever it wants to me and it still would not be enough.” His head was low, and his bangs covered up his eyes. 

He Xuan on the other hand was frozen in place. _He has fragmented memories_. He didn’t know whether he was elated, or terrified. Maybe he was both. 

“They won’t harm you.” His voice was resolute. Like it was a certain fact. 

Shi Qingxuan slapped his face a few times and waved his hand, “You’re right they’re just nightmares!”

That wasn’t what he meant, but he couldn’t say that could he? He Xuan interrupted again, “If they scare you that much don’t try to downplay your problems. Dummy.” His legs were still touching Shi Qingxuan’s providing a sort of comfort for him. It didn’t take long for him to flash a smile and tell them to get back to studying. Though a question popped in the back of his head and curiosity got the better of him so he asked.

“He-xiong is there anything that scares you? I bet there isn’t anything!” He Xuan seemed to not answer for a while so Shi Qingxuan was about to tug on his arm but He Xuan spoke up.

“If I was scared of anything it would be regretting my actions again.” He made it seem like no big deal, just a casual remark while he was drinking boba. 

Shi Qingxuan continued to prod, “There’s something you regret?”

“I did what I did for myself and my family, to get justice. What I regret is the person who decided to stay with the other till the end.” He was solemn, almost mocking the person he was talking about.

Shi Qingxuan decided to try lightning the atmosphere, “At least did you feel fulfilled after what you did?” 

“Who knows.”

Just as Shi Qingxuan was about to erupt in nervous laughter and try to change the topic, or try to prod further his phone rang, it was a video call. Without thinking about it he turned on the call, and pointed it at himself and He Xuan. 

“Ge!”

\---

One hour prior.

Shi Wudu had a busy day. It was a meeting with the Board of Directors at the stock exchange company so he didn’t use his phone at all, instead it was a day heavy with arguments behind smiles, numbers, statistics and business. Eat or be eaten. Shi Wudu came out the victor in all of the arguments he started and all that were directed at him with a wave of his hand. When someone else tried to contend with him again his secretary would swoop in, pick apart their argument meticulously and with the same precision explain why they are mistaken - with examples. There was no mercy.

When he finally got back at around eight in the evening he finally got around to checking his phone. There was the usual text about eating and a picture. Shi Wudu’s eyes widened in rage, and in fear for his brother.

In the corner there was someone who could be described as handsome yet forgettable. The slick black hair, and smart casual clothes. He looked a bit awkward with his smile and his finger was scratching his cheek. The one who was throwing himself at the other was a rarity in this era. Long, wavy hair tied up in a high ponytail. He wore a bomber jacket with skinny jeans, his smile was toothy and unrestrained. Finally, there was someone who stood a little to the side. A tall, pale main with hair neither short nor long, styled to the side. He wore long dangly gold earrings and all black. It was the features on his face that disgusted Shi Wudu. They were not the same harshness as the man who ripped his head off. While they couldn’t be said to be soft, compared to the Black Water Shi Wudu knew, you could say that he was smiling brightly. 

He buried his face in his palm and began laughing. Wasn’t he killed by him? Was his revenge not complete? Shouldn’t he dissipate? Gone from this world, regret solved? But he was still here. Not only was he here he was next to _Qingxuan_ of all people.

He really did win. He won, he bought Qingxuan hundreds of years of luxury and happiness. He defied the Heavens and he won against Black Water. He didn’t give him the satisfaction of revenge, so he was still here. He _won_.

But none of that mattered in this life. He would never allow Qingxuan to be hurt again, to watch him be surrounded by madmen, to feel as the golden locket on his chest vibrated, or to hear his desperate screams, his begging. To know in this life, that in Shi Qingxuan’s last he lived his final years as a dirty beggar, having no one, with even his arm and leg gone lame. In Shi Wudu’s mind the only one who would do that to Qingxuan was Black Water.

To do that, to make sure he would be okay, Qingxuan will _never_ be around _him_. 

It was then he stopped laughing and picked up the phone. There were maybe two people he trusted, besides his own brother. The one suitable for this instance though was… It didn’t even take two rings.

“Whatever could I do for you? I thought everything that needed to be discussed in the meeting was discussed.” It was a female voice. Rather monotone, slightly sarcastic. 

“Ling Wen. Black Water is still alive.” He wasted no time beating around the bush, not with this matter. For a second the other line was silent. 

“I know. After he finished his revenge he never vanished.” The reply was professional. She knew this wasn’t anything to pull sarcastic remarks over. 

“He’s next to Qingxuan.” Ling Wen was surprised, why would Black Water would go looking for the brother of the object of his hatred? Shi Wudu continued, “Help me get him out of there. I don’t care how you do it as long as Qingxuan is unharmed.”

Of course the only time the words ‘help me’ would leave the proud Water Tyrant’s mouth was in relation to Shi Qingxuan. Ling Wen sighed but of course she would help him. 

It was him, and Pei Ming (not that she would ever tell him that) who were her trusted friends. When everyone else turned away in indifference or gossiped about how she got her position by methods of seduction, it was these two. Then, there was only one. The left behind felt like they lost something irreplaceable. Then, one day, a man found her. Air full of arrogance, prideful to a fault and ambitious. Something clicked back into place that day. 

“I’ll think of something.” It was a promise, and she ended the call.

A bit more at ease, but never daring to fully relax, Shi Wudu pulled out his phone and decided to video call Qingxuan.

With a sneer he thought if it’s anything like before they’ll be together. _Let me see how you react to me Black Water._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one:  
> Me: So I will use my TGCF fanfic to vent that JC is one of the best MDZS characters- HE DESERVES BETTER
> 
> Also I thought SQX is a total humanitarian sorta person but I wasn't sure of art or english suited him, so I thought that he would love to learn about culture and different people. Hence what he studies.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm, minor mentions of suicide

He Xuan did not have any reaction to the man in the video call, he was a professional in acting. His mind however swarmed with thoughts of all manners, from the minor to the major. He simply ignored the man who was talking to Shi Qingxuan.

Scolding Shi Qingxuan for not doing any work, then Shi Qingxuan pleaded that he was, turning the camera to his desk. Shi Wudu only huffed and said that is to be expected. Not too soon after this Shi Wudu turned his meddling to He Xuan.

“You look familiar,” Shi Wudu mused. He Xuan sneered and cocked an eyebrow. 

“Do I?” His response was dripping with sarcasm. No real venom could be detected, even though that’s all his mind was filled with. 

“Yes. Ever been on a sinking ship?” Shi Wudu, equally sarcastic chuckled as he brought some water to his lips. 

“Sinking ship? Ge what are you talking about? You haven’t been on a sinking ship so how would you recognise someone from it?” Shi Qingxuan was really confused but thought nothing of it. 

“Why would _I_ have been on a sinking ship?” 

“Hmph.” Shi Wudu only turned to Shi Qingxuan and asked. “Qingxuan, how are your arms and legs feeling? They don’t hurt do they?”

He Xuan knew by now that this blasted Water Tyrant held onto his memories. Relentless as the raging storm, not even reincarnation could stop him. Out of everyone, he was the one who remembered. This tyrant. He found himself reminiscing of what happened after he had ripped that fucking head from his fucking shoulders.

“They’ve never hurt before? Ge? Why are you asking all these weird questions all of a sudden?” Shi Qingxuan continued to be even more confused.  
\---  
Shi Qingxuan was gone. Not dead, but he may as well be. The bright eyed, upholding justice, always strikes up a conversation Lord Wind Master was gone. Limp on the ground after seeing his brother's head. You could almost confuse him for being dead too, if he didn’t breathe ever so quietly. 

He Xuan didn’t say anything to him. Not like even if he did he would get a response. There was nothing to say anyway. 

Finally he couldn’t take seeing this pathetic former god. He dumped him in the Royal Capital, he always said he wanted to eat and drink there well now he could. He gave him the option. Shi Qingxuan never took it. 

He Xuan watched from the shadows. He watched as his former self proclaimed best friend yell at everyone who passed him by that he was a god, but not any god but _The Wind Master_. He clutched onto their clothes, begging anyone to just believe him. 

There were none who believed him and how could they. The exalted Wind Master, darling of the Heaven, The Young Lord Who Poured Wine was _this_? Grimey, filthy with not even a single copper to his name. This couldn’t be the god they worshipped and revered so highly. The same god who placed eighth in the Mid Autumn Festival Banquet. No no, that god had to at least be sane if nothing else.

The people walking by the streets were all different. Some entertained him, most did not. A few hurt him, kicked his guts telling him to fuck off. They weren’t scared to either, as who would step in for a beggar, enact some sort of justice for him? 

He Xuan thought he was asking for it by disturbing all of these people. Later, he would break the same bones that they had hurt on Shi Qingxuan. Did they kick his leg? Congratulations, you will now need a wheelchair. Did they trample his hand? Crushed, unusable for the rest of their life. Dare to step on his head? Seems they didn’t need theirs. 

For a while he was a constant shadow under Shi Qingxuan. Even, if- Shi Qingxuan shone no more. He never came out, resolved that this was now his life, his life without Shi Wudu where for once he would have to fend for himself. He could do whatever he wanted now and He Xuan would not stop him. He would pretend that he never knew. For all he cared Shi Qingxuan could become a wealthy merchant or the head of a successful inn. In fact some part of him wanted that after Shi Qingxuan had suffered.

How could he have known that this affluent sticky rice of his would end up like this though?

It had been a few months and seeing that no one would believe him, the former god settled down. He would sometimes repeat ‘but it is true’ under his breath for no one but himself. It was as if a constant shadow of gloom loomed over him, never letting him be happy even for a small second. 

Celebration rained upon the capital, and even the beggars got wine. Shi Qingxuan a walking corpse that had no reason to live, but was too scared to die. Some of the beggars took pity on him, gave them their wine that they didn’t want or felt that they didn’t need. To Shi Qingxuan there was only one thing to do with wine. Drink. 

He stumbled around the capital with a couple of jars of wine left. Bumping into things left and right, falling over small ditches in the road. It was once He Xuan who steadied him and grumbled about how he got drunk again. Now, Shi Qingxuan thought no one even saw him. Eventually, he staggered himself right out of the city gates next to a river. He plopped himself along the bank, staring into the river depths, searching for something he would not find. He drank even more. After a long stretch of time, he got up (he fell the first time) and walked to a shrine he had just noticed. 

The shrine was worshipping The Water and Wind Masters. By this time Shi Qingxuan only had a single swig of wine left. He looked up to it, the emptiness broken by something. He blinked, his eyes glazing, pooling tears that soon turned into streaming rivers. Choked sobs turned to inhuman wails that resounded through the crisp night air. Everyone else was out partying in the city, his voice drowned out by the mirth of singing and dancing. 

He Xuan had to ask himself if this is what he wanted. Yet he had said he would not trouble himself with Shi Qingxuan anymore. He kept his word. Leaned against the back of a wall just stayed. What else could he do?

A second dragged on for eternity eternity as Shi Qingxuan howled until his voice was raw and bloody. No one came as he kneeled on the floor, forehead smacked against the dirt, pulling his hair out. No one came when his choked sobs broke up his wailing for a split second, and no one came when he looked up to the sky. His arms laid by his sides as he let out one final scream that contained all the grief he could manage to expel. Staying there for a while like he was stone, until he turned his head slowly to look at actual stone statues. His brother, and him. This shrine had depicted them more accurately than most statues did.

His eyes were swollen red, snot everywhere and tears that hadn’t yet dried. Shi Qingxuan looked like he remembered something and got up. He wandered around until he found something by the river. It was a large rock, but small enough to be held in the palm of his hand. Something stirred in He Xuan’s gut. Legs ready to move, yet his mind kept them frozen in place.

 _Pretend you see nothing, it is his life_. It was not any of his business. Yet, instant shock attacked him at what he saw next.

Shi Qingxuan took a final swig of wine and bashed the rock slap on his knee. He cried in pain and did it again. Knee bloody, hand shaking he continued to bash his knee. He Xuan’s entire body was shaking harder than his hand yet he stayed, only watching. 

There was a _crack_. He Xuan’s mind raged with thoughts of what is he doing?! Doesn’t he know this will make him lame forever?! And also a single question. _Why?_

He was not done yet. No, he had to hear the same thing happen to his elbow. Bash... bash… ba..sh.. The space of time between subsequent clashes of rock and skin increased. Shi Qingxuan broke into quiet sobs. 

He breathed out a single sentence, “I will not ask for forgiveness.” He Xuan snarled as he thought he was correct in thinking so. The wound was still fresh for both of them. One reacted with fury and scorn. The other with grief and self blame. They both hurt from the inside out, though He Xuan really did not understand why he was like this. He offered Shi Wudu’s head to his dead family and he felt like he had completed his reason for existence, yet when he thought how Shi Wudu reacted to his end he seethed in flames of rage. Even at his sorry end he acted like he had won. Then again, the offering of his head, he felt satisfied when he looked at it. He may have acted like he was better than everyone and everything but he still met his end in such a pathetic way.

So, did he complete his revenge? Yes, but he hated how conflicted it left him. If Shi Wudu had just begged for his life, threw away his pride He Xuan would have been more appeased. He had never liked that tyrant, but when he found out it was him who switched fates he wasn’t even surprised. 

Looking back at the mess, he had collapsed from exhaustion having broken both a knee and an elbow. He Xuan hesitated, but this time couldn’t stop himself. 

Shi Qingxuan was not blameless, his endless glory was plundered from _his divinity_ alas… The smiling Shi Qingxuan, the one who tried to cheer him up, the one who dragged him everywhere and nowhere… The one he had slowly started to warm up to… Fine. _He’s not blameless, but I’ll think of it as repayment for all the food he got me._

He got a warm outer robe from who knows where and top quality medicine. It would be good enough to somewhat reverse the damage, but he also left medicine to just clean the wounds. After that he vanished off to the night, back to the Nether Water Manor. There he stayed until he was called to pay off his debt. 

He gripped the Wind Master Fan until his knuckles turned white and punched Shi Qingxuan. 

“Deal with it yourself.” He had said coldly. He had repaired the fan himself. 

There, his job here was fucking done with the apperance of Hua Cheng. At least he looked happy, the bright eyed youth returned but forever different. His speech was different, and he looked like he had grown more. He Xuan was furious that he wasn’t there to witness this sooner, so he could finally stop worrying over him. There was also a small thorn in his heart that he was happy without him, he knew this was unreasonable but-. 

Soon he found out, this may not be the case. He visited Shi Qingxuan weekly, observing his life. One time not too long after defeating White No Face there was a rare moment where Shi Qingxuan was alone. It was next to that same shrine worshiping him and his brother, he managed to protect it. By this time people started to desecrate their shrines, but Shi Qingxuan protected this one fiercely, patching it up how he could with one working arm.

He just sat there, a smile etched on his face as tears quietly ran down his cheeks. He buried his head in his knees and just cried for a while. 

“Ol’ Feng!” Someone cried in the distance. Shi Qingxuan wiped his tears, scolded himself for being sad and grinned yelling back, 

“Here!” Before hobbling over. 

Summer turned to autumn.

One of the few times He Xuan saw this former god truly relax was when he visited Xie Lian. He would come to visit him quite often, especially the year that Hua Cheng was recovering from lending his spiritual powers. They often chatted, avoiding certain topics but whenever Shi Qingxuan was around the shrine was anything but quiet. 

“Your Highness! These trees you planted for Hua-chengzhu are pretty! Don’t tell me you planted them yourself though? With no help? You could’ve asked someone else to help you. And the fact that you weeded an entire mountain! A whole mountain!”

Xie Lian laughed a bit before replying, “I wanted to do this… for San Lang, so that when he comes back there's no need to do all these menial tasks.”

Shi Qingxuan responded, “But weeding an entire mountain isn’t a menial task?”

“But I don’t have much else to do, I am just waiting for him to come back, so it’s a good use of my time isn’t it?” Xie Lian put down his cup and smiled. Shi Qingxuan didn’t disagree with him.

“Then next time tell me and I’ll help ya out! I may be a beggar and lame but I can still do stuff!” He flashed a blinding smile and downed the cup of tea in one fell swoop. 

They continued to banter, to talk about this and that. Shi Qingxuan made a point to listen to Xie Lian’s talk of his day and when it was his turn to speak he would talk about all the gossip he heard as a beggar. There was a lot of it. On this particular day, Xie Lian decided to try and talk to him about another topic.

“Lord Win-” 

Shi Qingxuan waved his hand and butted in, “Ai, Your Highness I’m not the Wind Master anymore, Ol’ Feng is fine.”

“Ol’ Feng then. Your arm and leg...” Xie Lian wasn’t sure how to finish. 

Shi QIngxuan answered the question he knew Xie Lian wanted to ask, “This, haha Your Highness I said before it wasn’t M.. Bla… Young Master He.” He settled. “Think of this as? Repentance haha? It doesn’t really hinder me too much I promise!” 

Xie Lian didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. They quickly changed the topic of conversation until it was two hours to sunset. Shi Qingxuan gave a hearty goodbye and hobbled along back to the streets of the Royal Capital. 

Xie Lian was not sure how to call him, so he went with, “Young Master He, you should have at least said hello if you were planning on staying for so long.” 

Of course Xie Lian had known that He Xuan was here. He simply did not expose him. He Xuan jumped down from the tree he had perched himself on.

“Don’t tell him I came.”

Xie Lian really, really did not know how to go about this matter. Such a mess that entire affair was, how could an outsider even begin to unravel it? He thought about it before responding.

“If Lord Wind Master ever asks I’ll tell him. But I won’t bring it up otherwise.” This was the compromise he had offered. Xie Lian was also worried that Shi Qingxuan was hiding everything behind a smile, and what would he do if he knew He Xuan actually followed him? What could he do? So he settled this was the best way to go about things.

He Xuan wasn’t too happy, but it suited him enough. “That’ll do.” He jumped back on the tree. “Crimson Rain won’t be gone for too long, he’s too stubborn and devoted for that.” Then off he jumped.

From behind Xie Lian sweatdropped, “You’re calling him stubborn? Young Master He who refuses to admit his feelings?” Still he knew Hua Cheng was stubborn, he knew he would be back and when he was back He Xuan’s congratulations was eating fifty bowls of food in less than a second. 

Autumn turned to winter, turned to spring. The cycle repeats.

Then decades passed until Shi Qingxuan was nothing but a crippled old man whose time was ticking down at an ever faster rate. For He Xuan these decades passed with a flash, and for Shi Qingxuan too. As he may have looked only seventy, yet he was vastly older. 

This time He Xuan came in the morning. Surreal, is what he would use to describe it, having known Shi Qingxuan frozen in time for so long then watching him grow old. Wrinkles were everywhere, his hair white and his skin was tan. Still hobbling on a stick, clothes ripped and sewn together multiple times. Even in old age he did not lose the luster of optimism. 

He Xuan had watched him grow older, while he himself remained as he was, unchanging. All this time, and he never even _tried_ to have a better life. Him.

He was at it again, burning joss paper. Prostrating to his brother. It wasn’t just his brother through. He burnt joss paper for four other people. Father, mother, sister, fiancee. He Xuan’s father, mother, sister, fiance. He’s been doing this for decades and at first He Xuan was filled with a feeling like he should do this. Time passed, and those thoughts changed. He found it almost pitable that Shi Qingxuan held on, and kept doing this for so long. Almost wanting to berate him for doing this useless thing. 

He finished kneeling as some kids ran up and surrounded him, calling his name in a fond manner. Shi Qingxuan himself slapped his thigh and made a pretense to be an enamoured storyteller. “Let Ol’ Feng tell ya squirts all about Feng Xin, the god who will swear on the streets of the Upper Heaven.”

The kids listened intently as they were told another story after story of his days in the Heavens and all the stories that surrounded him when he was an active god. Of course the kids only thought of them as stories, and Shi Qingxuan while he made a point that ‘yes this is real’ it was in an overly comical manner so no one took him seriously. Those who were older and remembered the when they held sweaty palm to sweaty palm besides other Heavenly Officials knew that he was not lying and also listened in. 

He Xuan knew from time to time Shi Qingxuan would still shed a few tears even at this age but they were no longer ones of all encompassing pain that he shed when he broke his arm and leg. This chattering, being hugged by all the children Shi Qingxuan was the last time He Xuan ever saw him.

Next week, he was dead. 

Nature's clock caught up to the fragile body that Shi Qingxuan inhabited. 

It’s been a while since He Xuan felt emotions so strongly. A few decades. It was slow at first, the disbelief the time had come, followed by refusal to believe he was gone for good to never be seen again. Then it came quickly like the rolling thunder and the flashing lightning. Bargaining to bring him back, to just talk- no to just see him one last time and to not let go. Then came regret. What has he been doing all these decades? He didn’t know what he wanted, but he knew he at least wanted to be by his side! Now he was gone! Dead! Buried under the ground and out of sight!

He didn’t pay attention that the beggars fought over every penny to get him the simplest burial only for Xie Lian and Hua Cheng to show up and pay for it all and a decent one no less. He didn’t pay attention that actually, quite a lot of people showed up. He didn’t pay attention to the solemn faces of every, and tears of most. If he could cry he would alas, the dead cannot cry. But how he wanted to. 

He felt ridiculous to agonise over the person who stole his fate, lived the life he was meant to and all without knowing it. Yet, he had kept watch for so long. Yet, he still stayed. It must’ve been a week, at least. People started asking him if he was okay, reassuring him that he should go home and he turned them a blind eye. Some left him water, even a little bit of food. It was all ignored by him. 

It was only when Crimson Rain smacked his back so he stumbled forward a few paces. “What do you want?” He Xuan bit, walked back to the spot he had stood in for a week and ground his foot into the dirt.

Hua Cheng rolled his eyes. “Pitied yourself enough?” 

“I thought you would be with your Dianxia.” He Xuan replied dryly.

Hua Cheng twirled his hair in his hand, bored. “I would be if a certain Supreme that owes me money wasn’t out here acting like his life was over. So hurry up and at least go back to your swamp so I can go back to gege.”

“I’m dead. We’re dead. My life _is_ over.” He reminded him, staying firm in his spot. 

Hua Cheng kicked him square in his back, “Then go die in a ditch if your life is over, let me live mine with gege.”

Hua Cheng then proceeded to drag He Xuan by his collar to the Ghost City. This time He Xuan let him. It was true, why was he still here? Why wasn’t it over? He didn’t even have the strength to retort.

He finally felt hungry and almost wiped the entire city clean of its food. His debt had added interest for taking Hua Cheng away from Xie Lian. Hua Cheng added a ridiculous amount of interest, but He Xuan decided not to irritate him lest he make it higher. 

Later he would return to the Nether Water Manor, his clones always still in the Heaven’s as a stubborn adherence to his and Hua Cheng’s agreement. In the Nether Water Manor he was calm, until he was not. He smashed pots, he broke walls, and he ate nothing. This was because he knew what was coming next.

No matter how much you love someone, how many years you have spent with them- when you stop seeing them you eventually start to lose a few things. How they looked becomes fuzzy, the sound of their voice becomes a memory of a memory. Small details are lost to time, hidden in some corner of your memory that is almost impossible to jog. There is nothing that can stop this, there is nothing you can do but slowly realise that something didn’t _feel_ right. That you were missing a puzzle piece. That you _forgot_ something. 

That is how it was with his mother, father, sister and fiancee. The feelings were as strong as ever, but without a medium to recall their faces, their voices they have become nothing but a memory he remembers remembering. Now it would happen to Shi Qingxuan too. His crisp laughter, her nervous babbling… There was no way to keep a tight clutch on these things forever. And forever, it seemed, is how long he would have to wait. 

He Xuan while he may have been in the Heavens for so long, he enacted his revenge as soon as it was leaked to him. He didn’t always know that it was Shi Wudu that had killed him, or he would have acted accordingly. He would’ve been friendlier, faker to Shi Qingxuan in order to coax even more information. So when he found out that it was Shi Wudu he gave him many chances to back out. It would’ve been just fine if he was a mortal with no spiritual power but every time he made the wrong choice. Called the wrong name. 

Like this time passed. He Xuan actually became low key as he cared for nothing. Bored out of his wits he was this close to destroying his ashes. He didn’t know what he even kept him in this world for so long. Hope? Hope for what? To see Shi Qingxuan again? What a pitiful reason to stay for something that may never happen. He realised this is what he wanted. What bullshit, to realise this four centuries too late. It made sense, when he thought of being with Shi Qingxuan he felt warm he felt a yearning to go back.

He wanted to grumble and be dragged everywhere, to be talked to and to be next to him. To protect Shi Qingxuan when before he had hurt. What a foolish thing to realise only after he died. 

As per their agreement that they have stubbornly kept all this time Hua Cheng told He Xuan of matters in the mortal world, though the last time Hua Cheng did this was telling He Xuan that Shi Qingxuan’s grave was still safe. 

Hua Cheng bust a door open and made himself very comfortable on He Xuan’s sofa, sitting right in the middle. “He’s been reincarnated.”

He Xuan didn’t dare hope. “Are you sure it’s him?” 

“If you doubt me you can go and check yourself.” He sneered, throwing some rectangular device over to He Xuan. He poked it a few times, and it lit up.

He Xuan did not know what this was, “What’s this?”

Hua Cheng smiled fakely “It’s called a phone, no need to thank me I have already added it to your debt. His location is on there and so is my contact the less I hear your voice the better, just text me from now on.” He flipped through everything pretty quickly. He Xuan only looked at him with a deadpan expression.

“How do I use this thing?” Was the only question he asked.

“Figure it out yourself.” Was the only answer he got before Hua Cheng left. He Xuan felt nothing for it and pressed things randomly. It didn’t take too long to learn how to use the phone, and when he checked his contacts there was indeed one. Sexiest Supreme🍁, and because of it He Xuan very quickly discovered how to change contact names. 

The internet… took him a while… But he rather enjoyed the mukbang videos he saw. It was give and take, on one hand mukbang, on the other… 

There were some sides of the internet he never wanted to see again.

In one of the map apps there was one saved location, one which He Xuan instantly visited. It was a small apartment, one bedroom, tiny kitchen and in a decrepit part of some city. If he had to guess, Shi Qingxuan was around his mid teens, left alone in the house. 

He Xuan could have entered his life right then and there but he wasn’t sure if he should. First, it would be weird to turn up out of nowhere. Second, he wasn’t sure if he could deal with a young teenager. So he opted to wait until university, or whatever the younger Shi brother would do at that age. He Xuan would pull any number of strings to make sure he was close to him. 

So when university came he chose software engineering and set in motion his plans to be his flatmate. He did not expect Yin Yu and Quan Yizhen to be there too. Quan Yizhen didn’t interfere in his plans, and he did in the others so none of them said anything. With time, they even started to quip up to one another. 

Warmth invaded his cold heart which now felt like it was scalding. When someone had spent so long in the cold, even just a tiny bit of it would make them recoil in fear. What is this? To know something other than the frost of loss. 

It filled him to the brim. There was only one thing, that uncertainty. Did he want Shi Qingxuan to remember?  
\---  
The brothers continued to chat, but it did not last for long before Shi Wudu stirred up more trouble.

“You’ll need to come back to Beijing soon. Something happened.” Shi Wudu enounced every word for He Xuan to hear. Shi Qingxuan moaned about not wanting to go back and what could be so important as to drag him away from university. Shi Wudu replied offhandedly, “An old legal spat to do with our parents came back up so I want you here to help me handle it.”

Shi Qingxuan was a bit dejected and so He Xuan cut in, “He doesn’t want to go, are you not capable enough not handle it by yourself?” He wasn’t dumb, if Shi Qingxuan get’s taken away he will stay in Beijing. He Xuan would follow him. Shi Wudu would move him every time. He Xuan would always find him but every time he moved it would get harder and harder to explain why they keep meeting ‘coincidentally’. 

With the threat of having Shi Qingxuan taken away from him something cleared in his mind. He was still here… for Shi Qingxuan. Maybe at first it was his resentment for not making Shi Wudu suffer more, but now he was here for Shi Qingxuan. Has been since maybe a few decades after he completed his revenge. Now he wasn’t interested in Shi Wudu, he already had his head once. Now he just wanted to stay with Shi Qingxuan, to not vanish so he could make up for the long, long time he had spent away from him. 

What a fool he was that this is what it took for him to realise this. 

Shi Wudu pointed a statement at He Xuan. “Well waters don’t interfere with rivers. An outsider should stay out.” Then he ended the call. Shi Qingxuan apologised in his brothers stead saying he’s always like this.

He looked at the time, “It’s getting to dinner time, want to go back to the flat to eat?” He Xuan grunted a ‘sure’ and started to pack up. He noticed a white note on his table. 

He Xuan also did not know when, but there was a piece of white folded paper that was put in front of him. When he opened it and started reading his eyes turned almost savage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise they have a happy ending-  
> I hope you enjoyed the ride though!


End file.
